Taking Out the Garbage

It is easy in life to let the baggage creep up on you and to not let it go. Sometimes life happens and forces us to do it whether we like it or not. I was in a relationship for seven years. In the seventh year, I moved 1000 miles away for a job with the plan that my other half would be along shortly with a new job and all of our material possessions. Our relationship was on the rocks after year two, and moving away caused more strain than ever before. I was flourishing but that wasn't the case on the other end. After nine months, I got the terrible news that changed my life forever: "I cheated on you." I was beside myself, I was irate, I was crushed. It was so hard to go to work and function. I broke down time after time. I would count the minutes I was allowed to cry before I had to go back into my room and do my job. It was hell. I was pathetic at first. I tried to find a way to make it work. But I realized that I just couldn't. Was still being fed lies, though I wanted so badly to act like that wasn't the case. I realized that I needed counseling. I went to my first session with the question "Should I stay or should I leave?" It was funny because I ended up answering that question myself within the first 10 minutes. It was so easy to figure out what I had been trying to tell myself all along. This was my first step toward emotional healing and health.

Here is a positive entry I wrote after my first session. Parts of this will be omitted due to privacy.
5/12/11
"Listen                 Speak                   Feel

Today I had my first counseling session Post D-day (4/30/11 -- the day after my 25th birthday). I feel really good about the conversations we had and the questions she asked me. She didn't make me feel weird to be talking about my relationship. She didn't make me feel like a loser because I got cheated on. She didn't make me feel like an a**hole because I hacked my partner's e-mail and Facebook accounts. She did make me realize that I've been in a "first love" relationship that shouldn't have happened given [my partner's] age and [my partner's] position. I'm also realizing how unequal our relationship has been since the start.

"I'm also realizing how self-centered my partner was. [My partner] had 3 roles to fulfill:
a) Physical relationship
b) Emotional supporter
c) Keeper of fidelity and trust

"[My partner] blew the first in the year three. The second -- did support me but did so much of the talking and was focused inward... wasn't showing selflessness or equality in emotional support. The last of the 3 was obviously blown at the end of March when the cheating happened... and was kept secret for a month.

"When I was talking to my counselor, I realized I had the answer I was dancing around all along -- I NEED TO END THIS RELATIONSHIP and NOT CONTINUE IT. So self -- if you are WEAK, pull strength up from within or go spend time with people --- DO NOT keep this relationship going. You will miss [your partner], BUT eventually time will heal the wounds and scars will fade. Be as strong as you can. You deserve to be with someone who

• LOVES YOU
• RESPECTS YOU
• IS TRUSTWORTHY
• IS SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR DREAMS
• CAN LISTEN
• LETS YOU BE STRONG
• GIVES YOU THE PHYSICAL <3 YOU CRAVE
• MAINTAINS EQUAL FOOTING

"I need to think of my moving to a new city as an opportunity to start being strong and independent, as a chance to get a new outlook on life, and to see if my career is going to be for me.

"I'm going back [to my counselor] on Monday and am feeling positive. But I can't forget how good it felt to get the 'elephant off my chest.' Being free feels good. Keep the end result in mind.

• Strong woman
• Leading her future
• Finding someone who is an equal
• Social Life
• Healthy -- emotionally and physically
• Satisfied
• Successful at work
• Creative hobbies

You are not a doormat. I love you self. Others love you too. You are strong!!