There was a girl who was trapped for years... starting somewhere around the age of 11 and extending until the age of 25. Some of her entrapment was at the hands of others, but most of it was at her own hands. She was sometimes happy but was often unhappy inside. She didn't see her worth and allowed others to influence her in ways that were wrong... she once was lost but now is found... was blind, but now she sees. She fought many battles in her own head... and comes from a line of hereditary mental illness. While the journal entries that follow are disturbing, they can give you insight into her mind. This is a person who was on anti-depressants for about 6 years and was fighting demons from her past and present. She felt trapped in a relationship and could not foresee happiness in her life. She was trapped in darkness.
Here are some journal entries from the last few years. Please be aware that these entries use explicit and/or strong language, imagery, and topics that are not appropriate for the young or weak at heart.
The first entry was written some time in the fall of 2009:
"Suicide has been on my mind for decades... well, all 2 1/5 I've been here for. Something in my chemistry can't leave it alone. When my mind wanders, its paths think of death. 'How? When?' but never 'Why?' I don't need to know why -- the reason resides in my subconscious. Gun -- too scary, messy. Jumping? Fear of heights. Hanging? But how long will it take and who will have to find me? Pills? What if I wake up?
"And you wonder why I'm still here. So DO I!! Life seems painful, purposeless, and filled with demons. Hell is here on Earth. Heartless BASTARDS survive, while INNOCENT souls cease to exist. Everything DOESN'T happen for a reason, unless that reason is to make life suck worse than it does already. I feel like a piece of ultimate SHIT, and there are many people to blame...
"I HATE MYSELF.
I WANT TO DIE.
(So why haven't I? No suitable method.)
FUCK MY Existence."
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1/19/11
"For quite some time, I would have considered myself suicidal. I thought about death quite often, compulsively in fact. I looked up information and photos on how to best do it with the least mess. I saw bloated faces hanging from ropes and belts. I saw deformed heads--someone who couldn't even kill themselves right. Bet that really fucking pissed them off. People with no esophagus because they drank draino. I even tried to get help (to the best of my demented ability) online. I also told my doctor I was feeling suicidal. She didn't talk to me about it, but she did 'up' my anti-depressant. It got worse. One day I took a belt and wrapped it around my neck. I slowly began to tighten it. I could feel my trachea closing, not permitting the air to pass the obstacle. I started to cry, loosened it, and tried to 'get a grip'. I felt like just another psycho, just another emo. I spent time planning (in my head) the note I would leave behind. Who would miss me? Who would find me? What would I look like when I was discovered? Would I look normal like I fell asleep, would there be blood everywhere, a gaping hole in my head, would there be chafing on my neck from the noose? Would I botch the entire act and wake up, alive and deformed, made to feel guilty about my attempt?
"I never actually tried. Every method had too many variables, too many potential flaws. I decided to table my future attempt until I found a sure-fire, painless way of achieving my sick and twisted goal. As much as life sucks right now, I'm glad to be alive. And I'm lucky too.
"Can't say I'm suicidal anymore. I did wean myself off of my anti-depressant. I wonder if that helped (?). Guess I won't know for a while. Sometimes I still get sad, angry, lifeless, but I have every right to FEEL. And nobody can deny or rightfully denounce my thoughts and feelings...because they are MINE and I am HERE to experience them."
A lot of this content (especially the suicidal research and impulses) reads autobiographically to me. I know I'm older than you, but I still haven't made even a fraction of the progress you have. Good job on that. I do wish we had kept in better touch after I left the house, because I think we could have created a mini support group of 2. But for a lot of reasons, I spent my college years trying to ignore that period of my life. I still deal with the demons daily though, as do you, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI don't associate suicide with weakness. It's a combination of fucked-up brain chemistry and overwhelming shit that just fucking batters a person relentlessly, until the most logical way out is oblivion. That's all. On my worst days, the only reason I didn't kill myself was because of guilt at leaving my little sis behind. I still battle with ideation almost daily, though. On my bad days (of which there are still far too many), I would be eternally grateful if a semi-truck would decapitate me during my commute.
I'm too scared to try antidepressants again, because citalopram made me anorgasmic. But strangely enough, I think I'm really improving for once. I started supplementing with B and D vitamins (they're Flintstones, because horse pills are gross). And melatonin/the occasional benadryl helps me get to sleep, which has also helped my mood significantly. I'm quitting WoW for good this time, and getting a shiny new haircut this weekend. I actually went to the grocery store and didn't have a panic attack--I ENJOYED it (yay for hummus and fontina cheese!).
I'm counting the months (okay, years) until my car is finally paid off, so I can rent a place of my own. Some days, the ONLY thought that sustains me is running around and dancing naked in my very own studio apartment, with a couple adorable kitties, without anybody to answer to, and without giving a single solitary shit what my neighbors think. I'm trying to formulate a life-plan that incorporates May 2014 as "the end of my depression." Here's hoping.
I know it may not be healthy to dwell, but it's really validating to see that I wasn't the only messed-up one. I think a lot of my problems stem from trying to resolve my own cognitive dissonance in childhood. I feel like I was seen as some kind of fucking golden child. Like, on the outside I didn't have a care in the world other than academics and music, I was used to being teased for seeming flighty and superficial to others. But on the inside, I was a steaming pile of emotional dynamite waiting to go off. When I finally blew off the rails at 23, at least I didn't die.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Hopefully I'll catch up to you, one day.
Hey -- it's not too late for the mini support group. :-) The way I keep going most days is creating a life I want to live and making it one I would miss if I were gone. I cannot afford to let demons haunt me anymore.
DeleteI don't think anti-depressants are a long-term solution, but they got me through some scary places. The best anti-depressant I've found is forcing myself to do something I know I like to do... even if I don't feel like doing anything. I am so glad you are improving, kicking WoW to the curb, and getting parts of your life back. You are an amazing woman who has let depression cripple you. Kick depression in the crotch and get your life back!!! I love you and want to see you happy and healthy inside and out. There are things we have each struggled with in our lives that the other has not dealt with. But we have to decide to either conquer the issues or have them conquer us. I, for one, have made a pledge to not going to let ANYONE have control over my life again or make me feel inferior. Ever. And I suggest you do the same.
I don't really want to refer to myself as someone who was messed up as a child because I do have many memories of happiness. Obviously there were some scary happenings in elem and middle school because of dad. But I didn't catch all of the pain you did and god only knows I wish I could have shielded you from what was going on, though I didn't know about it at the time. You mention perceiving that others saw you as a golden child... I often felt like the one stuck in the shadows. Teachers saying "Ooooh, are you such-and-such's sister?" and feeling really stupid when I wasn't the valedictorian of my class or when I had to work really hard studying because some things did not come easy. I think you and I both had implosive issues that eventually went off. :-p
I know you'll catch up some day, though it is a decision you have to make. The best way to get back at anyone who has ever hurt you is by making your life the most amazing one anyone has ever seen -- and to be happy. Genuinely happy. Do you think the people who have hurt you sit around every day and think about how much they have hurt you and how sorry they are? Hell no they don't. So why think of them? Flip them off and take control. I love you and want you to know that I am here for you. If you want to dance naked in an apartment with cats, come visit me and I'll leave the house for a while. ;-) I do have a spare room, ya know.
I had some problems replying to all the entries so I will have to come back to them but I want you both to know that I am glad that you are both able to communicate how you feel and that you are both trying to move forward. So many things that I would go back and change for all of us. I am not going to post as detailed of a response as I want to here but will follow up in email if you want to continue the conversation. I think that bringing things into the open and deciding on a direction in life is helpful. I am trying to figure out where I am headed too. I have been knocked down so many times and battled the hereditary monsters one way or another so many times... I don't need all this body armor anymore. I love you both.
DeleteLove you too mom. :-) <3 It's all of the trials and tribulations in life that make us stronger should we choose to accept the challenge. Life is what you make it, so I'm trying to make it the best one I can. Living in the past and thinking "oh... if only I had done this... or that..." is pointless. We can't go back in time and change anything. I think it's more important to cherish the people who matter now.
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